Is a Little Toxic Poison Okay? #Realtalk about Porn
If your best friend handed you a drink that contained just a drop or two of toxic poison, would you drink it?
A healthy person wouldn’t. That would be crazy.
Here’s another question: Does viewing porn enhance your marriage?
Actress Jennifer Lawrence in an interview with Vanity Fair defended sending nude photos (sexting).
“Either your boyfriend is going to look at porn, or he’s going to look at you.” Wow. Does a successful female actor believe this is her only option? Unfortunately for Lawrence, these pictures got hacked and posted on the internet, which is horrible. But, what concerns me is her attitude that sexting to prevent your boyfriend or husband from looking at porn is acceptable. How prevalent is this belief?
Let’s look at some other #realtalk about porn statistics.
- About 200,000 Americans are addicted to porn (spend 11 or more hours online looking at porn)
- 70% of porn internet traffic occurs during a typical workday
- 25% of daily internet searches are for porn
- Every 30 minutes there’s a new porn film made
- 12% of all internet sites are pornographic
- The porn industry revenue is greater than the combined income of Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, Netflix, and Earthlink
- Marriage infidelity rates increase more than 300% with porn use
These stats break my heart.
Yet, every one of them proves true when I coach women whose husbands are addicted to porn.
The concept that porn enhances marriage is prevalent and widely held in our culture.
And it’s a lie.
JT Waresak, in his article, “Pornography’s 3 Big Lies,” says, “It is true that most men and this includes Christian men, are tempted to look at pornography when it is literally one click away. Yet, to say that men need or must pursue porn to function in life is just a flat out lie.” Waresak goes on to explain:
“While some couples may experience greater sexual satisfaction when involving pornography within their marriage, it will, over time, kill their marriage. Porn will devastate true intimacy. There is no shade of grey when it comes to porn. . . Sadly, couples that turn to pornography for greater ‘intimacy’ within their marriages are doing just the opposite. . . While porn may give us a temporary sexual ‘high,’ it will always damage our most intimate relationships with God, our spouses, and our children.”
At the root of pornography addiction, the addict gives up intimacy with another human being merely to experience the sexual high.
The thrill of secrecy, multiple “partners,” and quick fixes dulls the addict to the real purpose for sex: intimate, vulnerable communication, and connection with your spouse. If the addiction continues, eventually, the addict can no longer perform in a normal, healthy sexual relationship.
Actor Terry Crews was addicted to porn.
In an interview with Dr. Phil McGraw, Terry explained that successful men get this idea they are above it all. Because of their fame or status, they get a free pass to behave as they want. It’s all about them. But that’s also a lie. Crews discovered this when he confessed his addiction to his wife, and she gave him an ultimatum. He realized that he had to give up his porn addiction to save himself, better himself, and hopefully save his marriage.
Terry is grateful his wife did not look the other way. Their marriage is stronger now because they tell the truth and extend mutual respect. They did not allow pornography to destroy their marriage and their family.
Three ways pornography addiction kills your marriage. Porn:
- Dehumanizes the sexual experience.
Pornography removes intimacy from sexual experience. That’s not how God designed sex. And, yes, God did create it. What do you think “be fruitful and fill the earth” meant? Sex is the highest expression of human intimacy, which is why pornography damages intimacy. With pornography, it is all about the person and his desires. Actual sex involves a face-to-face experience with another person. When that face-to-face encounter is compromised or abused through rape, incest, pornography, or any other form of sexual abuse, the emotional, mental, and physical damage intensely affects the victim. Why do you think the enemy of our souls goes to great lengths to pawn off the lie that pornography enhances a marriage?
2. Breaks the marriage covenant.
When my husband and I went through our intensive marriage counseling, our counselor wisely categorized pornography viewing and addiction as adultery. What is adultery? Having sex with a person who is not your spouse. Pornography brings another person into your marriage relationship. The excuse addicts often hide behind is that they haven’t physically had sex with another person. But that’s not what the Bible says. The Bible says if you look at another person with lust, you’ve committed adultery. Strong words. So those smutty books, sexual scenes in a movie, lingering glances at that handsome man or woman, are lustful looks. It’s a high standard. Let’s be honest. We’ve all missed the mark on this one. But intentional pornography usage breaks your marriage vows every single time.
3. Devalues your spouse.
Every time you choose pornography over intimacy with your spouse, you tell them they have no value. This result was the first thing I could articulate to my husband upon learning about his porn addiction. No, he never took the addiction to the next level, yet it felt like he did. Our counselor validated this feeling in our recovery when he told Dave, “It’s as if you had a physical affair.” For men, who can genuinely compartmentalize their lives, this is a difficult concept to grasp. Yet it is true. As a woman, I felt violated to the core of my being. I felt stripped bare, worthless, and throw away.
What can you do if you find yourself caught in the lie that porn enhances marriage?
- Don’t hide it any longer.
If you keep quiet about your addiction, your desire to self-protect harms your marriage. Healing comes by telling the truth about what is going on.
2. If you suspect your spouse is using pornography in any form, at any time — confront him.
3. If you feel unable or unsure how to do that, reach out to an expert first. But, trust your gut, and stop the “cancer” from slowly destroying your marriage as soon as you’re able.
4. Take heart in this truth, “It is not fatal.”
Uncovering this dark, yet increasingly common, addiction is not fatal. This truth is one of the first things I recall hearing after this horrific bombshell landed in my life. They were right. That comment changed my opinion about whether or not my marriage would survive.
5. Get help.
As soon as possible. Don’t wait. Recovery is possible. I know. I live it out each day.
It won’t be easy, but you can do this.
Start tomorrow by courageously speaking the truth. Trust your gut and speak the truth out loud and to your God who loves you and will sustain you. The lie you and I believe is “telling the truth destroys us.” On the contrary, the truth overcomes the lie. Healing comes through admitting the addiction and turning away from it.
How can you escape the horrible outcome of a hurricane slamming down on you if you won’t admit that one is headed your way?
You are stronger than you know.
And porn is far more dark and dangerous than your marriage can withstand if you don’t eradicate it.
Our marriage is BETTER than it ever was before. I would never say that if it was not true. Trust truth. You can survive this hurricane. If you need help, let me know.
Kirsten D. Samuel
Aftershock Recovery Coach
8-week Program, Custom-paced Coaching, Remote, or In-person Sessions
