His Porn Habit Opens The Door To These 5 Horrific Things
Watching porn isn’t normal or healthy.
You probably wouldn’t want to shout that to the people in line with you at the post office — BUT it’s true! Science, stats, and you know it. Porn isn’t healthy. TechCrunch reports in marriages where online porn is viewed, infidelity increases by 300%. Affairs aren’t normal or healthy.
Sometimes it feels easier to let something slip by than to tackle it head-on, especially when that means an emotional confrontation. But when it comes to your husband’s porn addiction, ignoring only increases the destruction to you and your marriage.
According to fightthenewdrug.org, science and research show that pornography harms by distorting sexual expectations and damaging relationships.
Watching porn isn’t harmless activity. Nor is it healthy or normal.
Like any addiction, porn usage often progresses from soft porn to hard porn to acting out affairs and often to violence.
Let’s look at what could happen if you ignore your husband’s porn habit.
- Loss of intimacy.
If lies enter your relationship, intimacy suffers. Many women I coach felt shocked when they discovered their husband’s porn addiction. I understand that all too well! That’s how I felt when my husband, Dave, revealed his. Yet, if I look back, there were warning signs. According to Covenant Eyes, porn users invariably compare their partner’s physical appearance, affection, and sexual performance to what they see in porn videos. And no one can compete with air-brushed and Photoshopped images and scripted sex scenes. This false concept of sex creates dissatisfaction with reality and true intimacy. It’s a poor substitute, but the addict doesn’t comprehend that.
Pay attention to your gut feelings. Do you sense distancing from your husband? A loss of intimacy. Stop! Evaluate what’s happening. It could be a busy time for both of you, and you’re spending long hours keeping up with normal life activities. But it could be a red flag signaling something more dangerous that needs immediate attention. The worst thing you can do is ignore it. It won’t get better. Respect yourself and your husband enough to care for your relationship with tenderness. Scripture says to guard our hearts, to keep our relationship pure, and to protect each other.
2. Exposing your children.
The Columbus, Ohio TV station, WBNS, released a story about a case where investigators received a complaint by Google concerning a child porn video posted to YouTube depicting a five-year-old. After further investigation, it turns out the child picked up one of her parent’s internet devices and clicked on a link from a recent search, and began to view porn.
Children at that age cannot understand what they see. Typically, a child of that age wants to act out what they observe. They don’t know the dangers of what they see nor how it alters their view of healthy sex. Your children or grandchildren are more internet savvy at age 3 than many adults. Nationwide Children’s Hospital researchers consider porn an addiction.
“New research from the security technology company Bitdefender reports the 10-and-under age group now accounts for one in 10 visitors to porn video sites. And when it comes to consumption, the same study shows children under the age of 10 now account for 22% of online porn watching for juveniles under the age of 18.” Another danger that could come from repeated porn usage among juveniles is sexual exploitation by a predator. If what they’ve seen appears normal to a child, they could become easy prey.
Pretending that your husband’s porn usage won’t affect your children means you don’t grasp the insidiousness and easy access available through the internet. My clients tell me how their children accidentally see things that disturb them. Often, this is how these women discover their husband’s porn addiction.
Jesus tells us that anyone who harms a child is better off tying a cement wheel to their necks and jumping into the ocean.
If the only reason you confront your husband’s porn use is to protect your children, then do so. They need you to teach them the truth about love and sex, not the warped view presented in porn.
3. Unrealistic sexpectations.
No, that’s not a typo. In an article by Fight The New Drug, repeated porn usage increases the likelihood that your spouse develops unhealthy and unrealistic expectations for what normal sex encompasses and how you view sex.
“It’s no secret that porn is wildly unrealistic and often incredibly toxic, yet survey results also showed that over half of 11 to 16-year-old boys (53%) and over a third of 11 to 16-year-old girls (39%) reported believing that pornography was a realistic depiction of sex.”
One myth perpetrated through porn is that a woman enjoys violent sex, even rape. Yet, rape victims often live with PTSD symptoms, depression, and fears. Another myth is that even when a woman says “no” it’s perfectly acceptable to pursue sex, even painful or violent sex. Yet God tells us in Ephesians 5 to love each other as Christ loves us. This love means seeking the other person’s best instead of your preferences. It means being willing to die for your spouse. Pornography is self-focused and selfish. It is poison to your soul and relationship.
2. Divorce.
In a 2002 informal survey of 350 divorce lawyers, they report that roughly 60% of divorce cases pornography played a significant role, with excessive internet porn use contributing to more than half of those cases. Though porn use doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage, it does cause great damage.
For my husband and me, it didn’t destroy our marriage. But our recovery journey has been long, difficult, and strewn with pain. We survived not because we were unique or special but because we submitted to God first for His intervention in our lives. Frankly, that’s the only way I know to survive this kind of devastation. Only God can take the porn’s destruction and remake a marriage. God alone redeems us when we accept His gift of salvation and agree to follow His ways, not our selfish ones. It takes a level of commitment and submission to God, and each other that society doesn’t believe is possible. But we live it every day as we humble ourselves before God.
3. Violence.
In an interview with Ted Bundy, just a day or two before his execution, Dr. James Dobson, Jr. discussed how porn influenced Bundy’s life. Bundy confessed he first viewed porn through magazines. However, as he progressed in his addiction, the combination of violence with sex brought about abhorrent behavior. Bundy talked about how hard-core porn influenced his thoughts and fantasies. Eventually, the urge came to act out these fantasies. Though Bundy took full responsibility for his actions at the end of his life, he looked at his porn usage as an addiction that evolved into cravings for harder and harder thrills.
Pornography is a progressive addiction. What starts as a few glances at pictures quickly moves to vicarious living through videos which become increasingly violent to satisfy the dopamine high. As Bundy said, the combination of sex and violence is toxic.
Covenant Eye’s insightful e-book, Your Brain on Porn, talks about how porn rewires the brain. In this interview and report, they explain how just five hours of porn viewing changes your brain. “Neurobiologist Peter Milner explains that our brains are wired to be attracted to that which is unfamiliar and novel. This inward drive is what helps us to learn new things and adapt to our environment. But, he explains, it is possible ‘to become addicted to novelty and uncertainty.’ Over time the brain that feeds on erotic media is trained to equate sexual excitement with the novelty and variety of pornography. Eventually the familiar face, body, and sexual performance of a spouse doesn’t arouse the way it used to,” according to Dr. Judith Reisman.
The good news is that God created our brains with neuroplasticity. We aren’t condemned to continue down an addictive path. Instead, the addict who seeks to turn from porn can do so. It takes hard work, coaching, and therapy, but change is possible. It’s imperative to get help and the proper kind of help from a sexual addiction therapist and an experienced coach.
What is your next step?
Get help. The average couple waits six years to get the help they need. Don’t be part of that statistic. You need help as much as he does. I’ve walked this path and understand your pain, confusion, anger, and numbness. But I know how to heal from the pain too. Together we will devise a plan that moves you from your current pain to a delightful future.
Dave and I live free from porn today because we took that first bold step to get help. God met our needs, fears, concerns, and struggles every step of the way. I know God will do the same for you. Let’s talk.
