Behavior Modification Fails Without This Key Ingredient
Why can’t recovery and healing be instant — or easy? Positive steps in the right direction often don’t show any lasting results. At least that was true in my life until we took our marriage counselor’s advice to find the root cause. To get real about the root of the issue, not just the symptom. We started seeing that counselor because my husband was addicted to pornography so he needed to modify certain behaviors, for sure, but we learned if behavior modification was all he did, his complete recovery would be a struggle.
I want to be careful how I say this. There are many pornography addiction counselors and coaches that focus principally on behavior modification. You can’t hope to recover from addiction if you continue to do what you’ve been doing! That makes perfect sense.
But if you never deal with why you turn to the addiction in the first place, then behavior modification will only take you so far. It’s easier to check off a list of do’s and don’ts instead of dealing with the heart issues.
Heart issues demand hard work which is why most people prefer behavior modification.
Let me repeat this, behavior modification is necessary. But it cannot be the only thing we pursue to recover from addiction.
What two things do you need to focus on to get your arms around your healing?
1. Heart work is hard work.
Addicts must acknowledge their addiction is an addiction. It is unhealthy. Whatever it is that you or I turn to outside of God is an idol. It is a temporary fix to numb the pain. It harms the addict, their loved ones, their vocation, and destroys their life. Until an addict reaches this realization, nothing will change. This is the heart work that must be done to achieve lasting recovery.
Both my husband and I do this heart work on a regular basis. The addict and the spouse of the addict need to deal with difficult feelings, wounds, behaviors, and beliefs. And it is an ongoing process.
You can never let down your guard.
Just this week, I again faced a pain point in my life and felt myself sliding toward the addictive behaviors. Like a sober alcoholic will tell you, the thirst is real.
Can God take away the desire for the addiction? Absolutely! Without a doubt, He can. However, He doesn’t always do that. In my husband’s case and mine, addiction drives us to our knees before God every day. We acknowledge we are powerless to combat our addictions without God’s assistance and healing.
It is this deep heart work that brings freedom.
When the unresolved portion of the pain triggers the addiction once again, we have tools to recognize what is happening. We can choose to step back to the addiction or ask God to bring healing to this pain point which brings additional freedom. It is one more step forward in the healing process.
2. Behavior modification addresses the outside, not the inside.
One reason we choose behavior modification is because it is a checklist. When we can do what’s on the list, we feel like we make progress. Behavior does need to be modified. But as our counselor told us, behavior modification addresses the tip of the iceberg, the outside. The part of the problem we can easily see and identify. It does not deal with the cause of the addiction, the inside.
You cannot continue in the same patterns if you hope to experience healing. It’s not possible.
If you break your arm, wisdom tells you to see a doctor that can correctly set the bone. You want the bone to heal well so the arm is usable again. If you choose to ignore the pain, your arm may mend or you might get an infection with more pain and serious complications. So, do you choose to deal with the acute pain today or suffer from the chronic pain which eventually becomes acute?
Modifying your behavior alone will not result in complete healing. Eventually, that core issue will surface again. This time when it surfaces it will be more intense, ugly, and destructive. That’s what happened in my life until I chose to deal with the pain underlying my addiction.
My husband calls behavior modification without “soul work” the Cycle of Shame. I discuss this more at length in my book, Choosing a Way Out: When the Bottom Isn’t the Bottom. Take a look at this graphic. Where are you on this cycle?
Whatever behavior you desire to modify can fit into this cycle. Why? Because we can only perform well for so long. Eventually, without the deep heart work completed, we will slip back into old, familiar patterns even when we know they are destructive.
You’re not alone. This has been a problem since the beginning of human history.
The book of Judges in the Bible is the story of failed behavior modification. God continually reminds His people, Israel, of His love for them. He shows His desire for them to live according to principles that bring them life. He raises up Godly judges to help the people. While each judge lives and rules, the people follow God’s design for their lives. They modify their behavior to follow the judge’s leading. Yet, because the Israelites don’t choose to do the heart work, they cannot follow His ways even though they know it is for their own good.
We do this today when we attend a church because of a certain priest or pastor. We are fully committed during their tenure at the church. But, are we following the man or the God they represent? Are we willing to modify our behavior to look good in the man’s eyes? Or, do we hear God’s truth they present and do the heart work to apply it to our lives. Only then do we experience true freedom, growth, change, and healing.
Is there an area of your life that needs some deep heart work?
What behavior are you trying to modify without dealing with the source of pain?
If this behavior cycle sounds familiar to you, (it does to me!) and you are ready to do the heart work to become healthy, take a look around my website at the many resources for you or send me an email at Kirsten@KirstenDSamuel.com. I’d love to talk to you.
