9 Questions To Help You Start Processing The Pain From Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
When you slice your finger open while dicing onions, do you continue cutting? Or do you stop and address the issue, literally, at hand?
When you experience the pain of porn addiction in your marriage, do you keep on keeping on, head down? Do you do anything to address the issue?
There are some obvious differences between a bloody finger and the pain of a mean word or a destructive secret. I think you might agree with me that the deeper cut and the more troublesome wound results from the pain caused by your husband’s porn addiction.
I see just how deep betrayal in a marriage can cut when I work with women whose husbands are addicted to pornography. This addiction not only violates trust, but it causes a woman to doubt herself.
When your marriage and life experience the shock and then the aftershock from a porn addiction discovery, you need to know what to do next.
And you need to hear this: do something. Don’t ignore it. Your heart is more tender than a finger, and it will take longer to heal.
If your husband reveals (or you discover) a porn addiction, what do you do next?
Do you call your best friend? Mom? Sister?
Do you kick him out of the house?
Do you pack a bag and leave?
Do you tell your children?
The answers aren’t always clear or obvious.
Such horrible news brings with it a kind of mind-numbing shock that makes it difficult to think. As a coach, my first contact with a client often occurs during these first moments. I understand the pain, disbelief, embarrassment, and horror. I feel every emotion.
Some clients want me to tell them what to do once they discover the porn addiction.
While I understand that desire, the answers aren’t always the same for every person.
The first question to ask:
Are you in physical danger?
If the answer is yes, then get to a place of shelter and safety immediately. If you have children, make sure to get them to safety as well.
If the answer to that question is no, then I’ll ask you some questions:
- When and how did you find out about his porn addiction?
- Did your husband come clean when you found out?
- How much have you and he discussed it?
- Do you have a sense of what you’d like to do next?
- Are there kids in the house? What ages are they?
- What result do you desire right now?
- What long-term outcome do you desire?
- Do you have any resources on pornography addiction or being married to an addict?
- May I pray for you?
I know those are questions, not answers. But they are a good place to start.
When you’re in shock, you need to get your feet grounded a bit before making any major decisions.
As a coach, I want to hear your heart and, if you’re ready, help you go from brain fog to potential next steps. Asking these questions and other follow up ones based on your answers helps me guide you from shock to taking your next best step. That’s my goal.
Once we’ve established the groundwork, then we can move forward.
Often you discover through your answers some nuggets of wisdom that direct your next step. It’s so exciting when that happens. And this is why I love coaching. Watching and helping you discover the path forward energizes you and me.
Imagine yourself in one of those corn mazes where you can’t see the end anywhere, and everything looks the same, but you know there must be some way out. Someone with a bird’s eye view is critical in that situation, and finding a coach to help you find your footing is too.
Telling your mom, sister, or best friend may help you feel better because they feel your shock, and it might be a good first step. Saying it out loud seems to take some of the power away from it — bringing it from the dark into the light. But often, they won’t be able to help you find a way through this mess. Plus, they may know and love your spouse, which makes them far from impartial and gives them a skewed vantage point above the maze of emotions.
At this point, you need someone to tell you there is hope for your future beyond the porn addiction.
You don’t need help bashing your husband or taking sides. Your marriage has enough trouble. Seeking out those who will take your side in this matter puts a false band-aid on the problem.
In my situation, my husband desperately wanted to save our marriage. He understood what he’d done to destroy me and our marriage. He knew he was a hair’s breadth away from losing everything he loved and desired. The porn, though enticing, didn’t fulfill his heart’s desire. If I had blabbed to everyone what he’d done, I would have caused greater wounds. The shock of those words to some family members or friends may be like toothpaste out of the tube. Once it’s out, it’s never going back in. Thankfully, God directed my confused thoughts to reach out to those who would bring help and healing, not further division.
I encourage you to take a breath and consider what to do next before you experience or cause more damage.
I know you’re hurting more than you can express. You might even feel like no one has ever been where you are before. No one. No Christian wife. No thought-we-were-fine wife has ever been here. You’d be wrong. I was both of those things. My clients are too.
Let’s work to decide your unique next steps. And, together, we’ll untangle this mess. You will heal and discover healthy ways to work on your faith, healing, and marriage.
Being thirteen years beyond that destructive day, I can tell you there is hope.
For years I wondered why God allowed this horrible pain in my life. But not anymore. I believe God allowed this pain to draw me closer to Him and to care for other women whose husbands are addicted to pornography.
Research shows that online porn viewing rates are just as high in men who attend church as those who don’t. And TechCrunch reports online porn viewing increases infidelity in marriages by 300%. Though that stat continually breaks my heart, I know there’s a battle for our husbands’ hearts. And it is destroying marriages.
I help wounded women heal from this horrible pain. I offer free resources, a tender heart, and one-on-one help through coaching or my short-term Aftershock Recovery coaching program. You deserve to heal whether he decides to change or not. You don’t have to live with that pain. I can help.
Kirsten D. Samuel
Aftershock Recovery Coach
8-week Program, Custom-paced Coaching, Remote, or In-person Sessions
