5 Steps To Discuss the Elephant in the Room: Porn Addiction
Sometimes you have to address the elephant. No matter how much you try to hide it, one day, you must acknowledge it.
Too often, we want to act like Jimmy Durante in this scene from the 1962 film, Jumbo:
(Watch the movie to get the full picture of this crazy scene.)
While we may laugh at this silliness, when it comes to ignoring porn addiction (the giant elephant in the room), it’s not so funny.
Ignoring the porn addiction elephant doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Others can see your pain even if you pretend you can’t.
Joyce Meyer, in her book Healing the Soul of a Woman, says “to park our lives at the point of our pain or disappointment and remain there . . . means the rest of the world misses out on what God wants to do through you.”
We aren’t meant to stop at this pain and dance around it, pretending it isn’t there.
At some point, that pain you’ve stuffed and ignored will burst out like a cannon shot.
The problem with these elephants? They continue to grow.
When I was recovering from pneumonia, I referred to the tightness in my chest as “an elephant sitting on it.” Imagine lifting that elephant a millimeter to take a breath! That’s how it felt when I was sick AND also when talking about that porn addiction elephant with my husband. The giant pachyderm consumed all the available space between Dave and me. At first, it felt impossible to conquer that giant, stinky animal and get him to vacate.
But we found a way to address the elephant in the room AND to choose a way out of the pain, secrecy, and hurt from the porn abuse.
I’ve compiled a roadmap for getting the heck out of the stink together. My clients know it as Aftershock Recovery Coaching.
Let’s cover a few highlights of Aftershock Recovery right now, grab the tiny stool, and back that elephant out of the room.
Here’s how:
- Acknowledge the elephant of porn addiction’s presence.
Those who live in denial about porn abuse or addiction continue to feed the elephant. Only when you turn around and stare that mammal down does he lose his power over you. The devil continually lies to you about porn addiction. “It’s not so bad.” “You can’t tell anyone about this, or you’ll be shamed and shunned.” “Everyone’s doing it, so it can’t be wrong.” God says He’s redeemed you and provided a way out of this addiction as He does for every obstacle in your life. You have a choice. Will you feed the elephant or trust God to face that sucker down?
2. Seek help to deal with the underlying issues.
Often porn addiction or abuse is a symptom of a deep-seated pain point. It’s not really about the naked actors. It’s deeper than that. And a hidden porn addiction won’t heal on its own. (If it were going to — it would be gone by now.) Silence and shame feed that elephant allowing it to grow and create additional destruction in your home. Uncovering that wound, exposing it to the light, enables you to heal. When you cut your finger, you wash it out, put some antibiotic ointment on it, and cover it with a bandage. Each day, or sometimes several times a day, you check that cut to make sure it is healing correctly and not getting infected. It’s time to address the gash in your heart and seek professional help. The elephant won’t thank you, but your heart and marriage will.
3. Start the conversation about that pesky elephant.
The only way I know to get rid of that 7-ton mammal and porn addiction is to talk about it. Hidden issues prefer darkness. But, when you shine a light on the topic, somehow, it begins to shrink. I say this from firsthand experience. I know you fear the outcome; however, it’s time to broach the subject with your husband. Start with something like, “Honey, I noticed a calendar reminder pop up on your phone about an upcoming event. What’s the event?” “I feel like there is something between us. Could we talk about it?” It will feel awkward and stilted, but until you confront that pest, he continues to force his way between you and your husband. If you don’t feel like you can broach this subject alone, then it’s time to get an unbiased, non-judgmental third party involved.
4. Accelerate your results by infusing a third party into the process.
Reach out to an experienced coach for your healing. Why a coach? Because you need someone in your corner who believes in you and always has your back. Whether your husband decides to leave the porn addiction behind or not, you need to discover how to confront that elephant in your home. A coach encourages you to find a better way. Through creative and non-judgmental conversations, you uncover practical steps to take, learn new ways to communicate, discover how to heal your hurt, and find the strength to live life as God intended it.
Remember what Joyce Meyer said, “to park our lives at the point of our pain or disappointment and remain there . . . means the rest of the world misses out on what God wants to do through you.” You aren’t meant to live with this pain. God desires you to live the abundant life He created for you. To do that, you have to confront the elephant.
5. Seek out, say aloud, or write out Scripture passages about who you are.
Nothing shrinks that elephant’s control, like speaking the truth. God tells who we are in Jesus plainly in the Bible. Check out verses like:
- Colossians 2:10 — Complete in Christ
- Ephesians 2:10 — His workmanship (his masterpiece)
- Psalm 139 — Not an accident; we are specifically and uniquely created
- Romans 8:2 — Freedom from the law of sin and death
- Romans 5:17 — Christ’s gift of righteousness
- Philippians 4:7 — God’s peace
- 1 Peter 1:23 — God’s children, born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God, who lives and abides forever
- Philippians 2:5 — You have the mind of Christ
- Philippians 4:19 — Everything we need according to Christ’s riches
- Romans 8:17 — Joint heirs with Christ
- Revelation 12:11 — Overcomers by Christ’s blood and the word of our testimony
If you want to finally and forever dismiss that black elephant (or whatever color you see him), speak the truth of God’s Word every time the devil whispers his lies.
As you speak these truths out loud, you affirm who you are in God’s eyes. And lies cannot stand up to the truth. Not sure if your husband is open to your “truth gathering” just yet? Try sticking some notes on the fridge or bathroom mirror where he can see them too. God is a God of miracles, and His word never returns void. It has power that we do not possess on our own.
Deep breath.
It’s time.
Time to confront what you know is going on in your marriage and home.
Pornography addiction has no place in your mind, heart, marriage, and home.
It is an interloper whose goal is to destroy everyone in its path. TechCrunch reports that marriages, where porn is viewed, have a 300% increased chance of infidelity. Don’t wait any longer.
Decide today to banish this elephant and never acknowledge his existence again.
Need help? I promise to provide an open heart and non-judgmental, safe space for you to heal. Let’s chat.
Kirsten D. Samuel
8-week Program, Custom-paced Coaching, Remote or In-person Sessions
