3 Positive Choices To Create A New Life After Discovering Your Husband’s Porn Use
SE’s blotchy face told the story more than her words. He did it again. After he promised he’d stopped.
“I don’t believe him anymore. All he does is lie about using porn. What else has he lied about?” Wavering between anger and agony, SE angrily brushed the tears from her cheeks and chin.
Discovering your husband’s porn use crushes your heart and soul.
A woman experiences betrayal trauma, which affects every part of her being — physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. Betrayal trauma triggers your brain into fight, flight, or freeze mode (the reptilian brain). Many men find this difficult to understand because they believe that their secret porn use doesn’t hurt anyone. They get that discovering the porn use might make her angry, but they often are pretty flabbergasted at the deep pain she feels.
According to onlyyouforever.com, when a husband attempts to minimize or hide the reality of his porn use, his wife experiences more profound wounding.
“Porn use really rattles the foundation of a wife’s self-esteem and physical confidence, but the lying shatters trust. Trust is foundational for a close, intimate relationship. So even though telling your wife about your porn addiction may really hurt her, it is better to be honest with her so that she does not feel that in addition to feeling hurt that you used porn, you have further betrayed her by lying about it.”
So SE’s statement, like those from many women, makes sense. Lying about the totality of his porn use struggle destroys trust, which increases pain and grief. If a woman gets stuck in the stages of grief, she often feels that she has no options for a fulfilled life.
How to Create a New Life After Experiencing Betrayal Trauma
1. Cultivate a strong relationship with God.
Betrayal trauma creates chaos in your spiritual relationship. You might feel anger towards God (he knows and still loves you). You might wonder if God cares (he does). Perhaps you feel abandoned by God when you need him most (he didn’t leave). The one person you can trust, God, won’t force himself on you but patiently waits for you to come to him and pour out your fears, pain, questions, and bewilderment.
Ask a strong Christian woman to pray with and for you during this time. She needs to be safe and trustworthy and someone who will walk this healing path with you without judgment or an I-can-fix-you attitude. The women in our restoration team prayed for me, answered my questions, and pointed me back to the biblical truth about God’s character.
2. Seek professional help.
Recently I heard a Christian therapist say she meets monthly with her therapist. This woman understands the benefit of another professional counselor or coach’s ability to bring perspective into her situation.
Like many others, you have blind spots. The beauty of working with a professional who operates from a biblical worldview is the person integrates their training, knowledge, experience, and relationship with God into every conversation with you. Like an athlete who struggles to improve his personal best time and hires a coach to identify what needs to improve or change in his form, a Christian coach helps you move from where you are today to where you want to be.
I wouldn’t be where I am today in the healing process without the continual input of my coach. When dealing with betrayal trauma and grief, you can quickly get stuck in your head over an issue. Having that unbiased third party opens your mind and heart to see the struggle differently.
3. Determine to go through the pain, not around it.
You might feel tempted to gloss over the confusion and angst you feel at discovering your husband’s porn use struggles. Some women deny the severity of the issue because they fear facing the pain. Please don’t. That pain won’t go away.
Dave and I took a tour from Fairbanks, AK, to the Arctic Circle a few years ago. Along the route, we came across a smoldering tundra fire. Our knowledgeable guide eased through the fire on both sides of the road while educating us about how difficult it is to fight these flames. Firefighters will douse the flame in an area, only to watch it pop up several yards or miles away. The guide explained that the fire burns along the tundra underground and then pops up wherever it finds an easy opening.
Denial only forces that pain to go underground. Eventually, it will pop up again, stronger and more lethal. Betrayal trauma takes time to work through the associated grief stages, so please be patient with yourself. You will heal when you invest in yourself and get the help you need. Going through the pain brings freedom to be yourself and find hope that there is a life worth living.
You can live a new life after discovering your husband’s porn use
If you aren’t sure where to begin, please reach out to me. My first-hand experience with this healing process can give you hope that your life will look different from today. I promise to listen to your story, coach you through your questions, and pray with and for you.
